It has been so long since I have seen this dashboard vis a vis the multiple work related dashboards I see everyday. Have to say I had to reset my password and stumble along a bit till I got here.
This post comes after a year. In fact more than that. Not that I got any crazed blog followers begging me out of my retirement but today I was reading this woman’s blog- she was funny and she was real and for a moment she reminded me of me or rather how I perceive my writing to be. And I realized how long it has been that I have not written a complete paragraph.
It was a mixed bag this year. 2011 was very good, so I set myself some ambitious growth targets in my personal and professional space-took some risks and I wish I could say I came out with flying colors but I didn’t. I succeeded in some, learnt some hard lessons, regretted some decisions, and thanked God for the good in life. In my mind I am reviewing 2012 in a loop and thinking what could make 2013 defining for me in a good way.
I was in a slump in this last quarter- you know where you doubt yourself every step and like a self fulfilling prophecy your doubts result in mis-steps. It would have been positively comic if it werent happening to me.
And in the midst of this I decided to run a 10K. Like every year I had taken the usual-get-fitter-lose-weight New Years Resolution and like a good manager I wanted it defined. So 2012-Run a 10K became the one liner in my mind.
To put things in perspective I dont like to run (or any other physical activity which involves elevated heartbeat and any sort of hand-eye coordination) and it doesnt do anything for me physically or mentally. My body doesnt change (I fuel up more than I need ) and mentally I picture myself having a cardiac arrest or dying of boredom.
Once or twice a week I run 3.5 kms on the treadmill. Yes, I wanted to follow a training schedule. Yes I have a year long gym membership. And yes I did zilch about preparing myself.
And there I was at the Bangalore Midnight Marathon with my iPhone playing my workout-playlist. I wanted to turn back and run home instead-because I knew, I just knew there was no way I would hit the finish line. That 2 hours would be up-they would close the trail and they would find me crawling somewhere. Or maybe I would just give up.
I was convinced I could not do it. I would fail. In front of all these people.
The race started. Some people ran ahead, some fell behind. I was there in between somewhere and as familiar music played in my earphones I started to run. 35 minutes later with couple of walking breaks in between I was still running. And I had finished 5kms.
This was more than I have ever run in one stretch or one day. But there were people who were running their second lap and there were people behind me. So many people behind me. And suddenly I wanted to finish this. Finish this race. My mind saw the finish line and my body just obeyed. I was reduced to brisk walking/trot/bursts of running by the time I finished 7 but I now knew I could push the 3 remaining Kms out.
And I did. It took me a goddamn 90 minutes which doesn’t stand any test of endurance/strength/stamina/speed but I walked over that 10K finish line.
For many people this would be a physical victory- of pushing their body. But for me it was doing something that my rational-realistic brain said I couldn’t-I wasnt good enough for.(Wonderful adventures with my self esteem await you in archives through the link).There wasn’t triumphant background music at my finish line. I didn’t burst into tears. My perception of life and myself didn’t change over night. But it was a small victory for my self worth.
Of course now I have to run a 10K under 60 minutes to prove my worth. To myself.