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Fear

This is going to be TMI and not only for the reference of body parts and processes one rather not but from that I am it maybe TMI about a first time mother’s feelings.
Labour Day is almost here ( haha yup not the May1 labour Day!). It’s just a matter of a week give or take few.
All my pregnancy I have pushed this thought away from my head that one day that baby would need to come out through that small hole in my body.
I almost thought of labour and the final show like a third person, Which would happen to someone else.
But yesterday was a rude awakening. I went for an internal exam. The first of my life. Unlike my first ultrasound I couldn’t look at the experiance and laught later or put a comedic spin to it.
It was painful. I screamed like a child and started resisting. Which made it more painful. Ultimately my Obgyn gave up and couldn’t do the stripping as she had planned.
While I have gone crazy reading if stripping is the right way to go ahead after coming home. What shocked me was my utter intolerance to pain.
Who was that yelping schoolgirl on that table? How is this person planning to give birth naturally? Have I already started jeopardizing Baby B due to my own failures? Yup the hamster was spinning out of control in my brain.
The Obgyn chided me for being a wimp. And it just added to my overall embarrassment and sense of failure.
Then she wrote in my pregnancy folder that I was “not allowing”.
I cried all the way home and then some more. Put myself to sleep crying only to wake up after a nightmare of dying in the OT without ever meeting my baby.
Yup. OVER-REACTION.
Asked a few friends who said the stripping pain was manageable. That didn’t help me.
Spoke to other mums. Thought about all the kids born in this world and the pain all mums go through. I ain’t the first one. I am not Eve.
Truly the dread of physical pain is much more than any mental agony. Because it’s a bit of both.
I go in for a request check next week. If I don’t “allow” I am afraid the verdict would be clear.
I will be the mum who didn’t even try natural.

 
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Posted by on May 1, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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