Meh. Who am I kidding?
The past few months have been hard on the ego. I tell you ego is one canine of the female species.
Like I am sitting today lolling in my bed, in a pair of lame shorts and trying to find something on TV worth killing time. And there is nada. I mean I can watch only so much CSI on Fox Crime and only so many re-runs of Friends.
I can go out and watch a movie. Alone. But you know that’s where the super ego would begin its tantrums. As I said my ego, lets call her E, is a super bitch. She wants everyone to think I am the smartest, the prettiest and the funniest person in the world. So when I need to go to a movie alone E is telling me “Your 26 and you are paying for your movie and watching it alone, sucker!”. On the other hand E is currently telling me “You are 26 and you are in your shorts and unwashed hair on Saturday night. You are the life!”.
So you see its hard to win with E.
Like waking up in the morning and getting ready for office with E telling you “Oh, that chocolate bar you finished yesterday mid night-look you can see it hanging over your belt” is not the way to start a day.
It gets progressively worse.
A meeting where desperate CP is going on.
E: “You remained quiet throughout. Everyone thinks your dumb.”
Me: “but..but that project had no impact on my area!”
E: “So what? You could have offered some cutting insights to others. No use now-your dumb”
So you see its pretty hard to compete and win with yourself. Harder than competing with others ever is.
Me(to sales girl): Do you have this in medium?”
E : “Lolz..as if ..woman ask for an L..whom are you kidding?”
E is judgemental. E is a people pleaser. She wants everyone to want to be me.
But thats not gonna happen. People have happy lives all by themselves you know. So you have to keep reminding yourself with something like ” Look E, I live in an over expensive apartment, I drive my own car and I even own a pair of semi known designer stilettos. Not all 26 year olds can do that”. “But you cant walk in them..nananana”, E might say.
Then I should respond” I chose not to wear them everyday and break my spine and cause my knees to disintegrate at 30. If I wear flats every single day of my life its for my comfort! And yes that Lindt bar was so worth the muffin top!”
Its difficult to constantly battle inferiority complex on a day to day basis. To judge each word coming out of your mouth. To compare your life with those of others and wallow in self pity.
But I am at it. Everyday. I am sure E and I will share a common view one day about my self worth being equal to a gazillion bucks. Just dont hold your breath for it.