Do you sometimes feel lonely in a crowd? Where you laugh and joke outwardly and cringe inwardly? Wonder if others can’t see through you? Want to find a rock and crawl under it? Today is friendship day, another blessing of our card culture…and brings to me the same feeling of shame and regret I have always harbored. Of friendships I have blown away, of relationships I didn’t care enough for, of feelings I just let whither away…
I have what people say sailed through life without ever finding a permanent harbor. I make friends and then lose them because of my indifference. I have no defense, no excuses, and no explanation for not returning calls, for not passing a smile or not making an effort. Just that sometimes I could not though I wanted to. It wasn’t a super sized ego because if you were my friend you would know I suffer from the lack of one than plenty, it wasn’t laziness which is a more genuine fault, it’s none of them, though I wish it were.
Just sincere requests don’t ever feel I used you or I didn’t care because you cross my mind more frequently than you can imagine. A song, a fragrance, a catch phrase, a road all brings back memories. My life would be much lesser if it weren’t for each and every person in it. I have looked and learned from you. The laughter of my life came from you. I competed against you and loved you no less. There have been times when I wasn’t there when you needed me, and there were times when you wished I just disappeared. When I didn’t say the right things or said things that caused pain. Moments when I sulked or let my tongue get the better of me. When I have behaved like a stubborn mule and refused to listen to sense or reason.
On this Archies and Hallmark created superficial celebration I just want to say a very genuine sorry for all the pain that I have caused. Am not a drifter or less of a human being, just attribute it to a quirk in nature or a fear of giving too much of myself to anything or anyone. Believe me I try.
Please forgive me.